While some new mums embrace motherhood with barely a backward glance, others are looking in the rear-vision mirror at their pre-baby life filled with sadness, resentment or regret. Says mum-of-three Jen: “I recall driving to work one morning thinking, ‘Someone else is living my fabulous life while I’m stuck with three exhausting kids!’”
Perhaps you also pine for your old, carefree self, the one who always looked good, had loads of spare time, a vibrant career and an active social life? Well it’s perfectly natural to feel like this, says counselling psychologist Meredith Fuller. “There is a death of the old self and you really do have to go through that sense of mourning,” she says. “Like all of the steps in a woman’s life – puberty, leaving home, marriage – having children means letting go of one path and opening up a new one.”
It can be especially hard if you’ve forfeited a stimulating career, lots of travel or your social life, have few friends with young kids, or find that parenting isn’t all you dreamed. “It also depends on what sort of baby you have and what’s going on in your life at the time,” says Meredith. “You’re gaining more, but there can be a sense of loss.”
Acknowledging that loss without guilt is a crucial first step. “It’s okay to say, ‘Yes, there are gains, but I also feel resentful about some things’. A lot of women have this rose-coloured-glasses idea that [motherhood] should be perfect and brilliant, and that makes it more difficult.”
Holding on to your sense of self
Not only is it possible to retain a little of the old you, it’s imperative to do so, argues Mia Renee Redrick, author of Time for Mom-me: 5 Essential Strategies for a Mother’s Self-Care.
“For mothers, a lack of self-care surfaces slowly and quietly. We can no longer identify what we like to read or movies we enjoy seeing... One day we become unfamiliar with the person we once were.” She says you can avoid ‘fading away’ by adding yourself to your priority list. For Jen, this means making time for cooking, singing and catching up with girlfriends. “I’ve learned to take responsibility for what I want out of life,” she says.
Don’t be a martyr mum
“Sometimes we get this idea that as soon as I have a baby I have to be a selfless martyr, I’m not allowed to look attractive or have any needs anymore,” says Meredith. While your focus is on bub, it’s okay to be self-indulgent occasionally, too. Enlist the help of your partner, family or a childcare service so you can make time for the things you enjoy. “It’s about getting the balance right and saying, ‘I have needs and wants and if I get those met I will be better able to meet [my baby’s].”
Keep up the social life
Strong social ties are good for your wellbeing, reducing stress, depression and disease, and your friendships are healthy for your kids, too! A UK study has found children whose parents have healthy social lives perform better at school than those whose parents cocoon. To keep in touch, you might just have to do things differently, Meredith says. “If it takes you two hours to get out of the house, have your single girlfriends come to your place instead.”Vary your mates
It’s great to befriend mums who are going through similar experiences, but,says Meredith, “you also need a girlfriend
who hasn’t had a baby who can say, ‘My God, darling! Look at your hair, I’m dragging you off to the hairdressers!’ This is someone who can remind you of those other aspects of yourself.”
Get switched on
“What makes me feel like my old self is keeping up with fashion, news and gossip, and laughing with my friends through Facebook, Skype, calls and emails,” says single mum-of-one, Elaine. Stay connected to the outside world by joining a social networking site and going online while bub is napping.
Get support
It’s hard to go from self-reliant woman to vulnerable mum, so don’t be afraid to ask wise elders and experienced mums for help. “When we become a mother we think we’re supposed to know it all and [be perfect],” Meredith says.
“One way to hold on to yourself is to remember that there are people who love and care for you... and that it’s okay to ask for help.”
Something old...
If you feel like you’re fading away, revisit a favourite hobby, café or hang out, or catch up with school friends or work mates who knew you pre-baby.
...Something new
Just don’t get too bogged down in the past, Meredith warns. “Part of the joy of all this is that you discover new parts of yourself.” Do a part-time course, get a makeover, try new hobbies.
Get some sleep!
New mums lose up to 750 hours of sleep in bub’s first year, so enlist help, switch off your gadgets and get snoring. Sleep regulates mood, reduces depression, improves relationships and makes everything look better, including you!
Be patient
For some of us, the transition won’t happen overnight. “It took me years to relax into parenting,” says mum-of-one Tammy. “I was still a bit of a party girl for a while, but in the last few years
I’ve become much more connected to my son and I’m happier in the role.”
Rekindle the romance
Sometimes all you need is to slip on a sexy dress and have a night out with your man. This works well for mum-of-two Katrina: “The kids go to my in-laws and we go on ‘old-style’ dates, like a movie and cheap dinner. All is decided at the last minute, like we used to do before we had children. We chat and remember why we like each other.”
Try to steer clear of baby talk and you’ll feel replenished and happier to return home. “If you never leave your baby you don’t get the chance to miss them,” adds Meredith.
Celebrate the new you
There’s plenty to be gained from saying goodbye to ‘me’ and hello to ‘mummy’! “We would be so bored if we didn’t grow and change and develop,” says psychologist Meredith Fuller. “The identity you had prior to being a mother is just one element of you. It’s like a coloured wheel that we’re adding more colours to. Before the baby you might not have been very patient or you might have had things out of perspective, but now you’ve got this added wisdom, sassiness and awareness. You end up being more than the sum of the parts before.” That’s how mother-of-two Sam feels. “My children really unravel a part of who I am,” she says. “There is a new maturity and that’s a really positive thing.”
Seek professional help
Still feeling disillusioned or yearning for your old life? Talk to your early childcare nurse or GP, or contact the Australian Psychological Societyto find an accredited psychologist. See www.psychology.org.au or call 1800 333
Article from Practical Parenting Magazine, written by Christina Larmer.
